Sunday, June 10, 2012
You sank my battleship movie
First up, Battleshit. I mean Battleship. I knew this movie wasn't going to be that awesome. After it's based on a board game that doesn't really have a story to it (at least Clue has the murder mystery). But I thought it might be decently entertaining.
Boy was I wrong. This movie is bad. Like sweep the Razzies bad. Catwoman looks like an Oscar flick compared to this bleech.
We kick off at the some obscure scientific launch event. Our lead scientist is giving a speech about communication with distant galaxies and some inane fairy tale reference and we got assistant scientist making a very blunt comment about how if aliens came to Earth they'd basically kill us. In other words, the entire set up of the movie explained in the first 2 minutes. Of course we know that the aliens will fail, they always fail. That is of course not the point. It's how we get to them not failing that is supposed to be the tale.
But before we get there we have to visit the birthday celebration of one Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch). Alex and big brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgard) are at a bar having drinks. Or rather drinking while Stone recites of inspirational homilies in a tone that was perhaps supposed to be drunken by comes off rather like he is talking to someone that is mentally retarded. That someone being his brother who basically acts like something is loose in that brain of his. He's so drunk he thinks it's a great idea to break into a local mini mart to get a pretty girl (Brooklyn Decker) a chicken burrito cause the bar's kitchen is closed. Stone however doesn't think that its so awesome, especially since his brother is basically a job less lay about. So he decides that his brother is going to join him in the Navy. Cause apparently Stone has the power to just make that happen.
Jump ahead like 3 years and Alex is a Lieutenant and a Weapons officer. And yet everyone is still basically calling him a loser who's really smart but doesn't apply himself. Which makes the fact that he's an officer really bizarre. Last I checked you don't go up in rank just for time served. Oh and that pretty girl, she's now his girlfriend. Which is also rather bizarre but whatever. Alex is gaga for her and wants to marry her etc. But one big problem. Sam is the daughter of the Admiral, i.e. basically Alex's boss. Didn't see that paint by numbers coming did ya.
Alex picks, of all days to ask for Sam's hand, the launch day for some international war games to do. Probably not the best timing but Alex (no shock) makes it worse by getting into a fist fight with one of the Japanese naval officers. The Admiral (Liam Neeson) tells Alex that he better get it together cause he's wasting all his potential (again why is this loser an officer) and basically says that if Alex screws up one more time he'll be booted out. Which of course is the cue for Alex to screw up and to find out that he's being kicked out as soon as the Games are over (pretty sure they'd yank you out if this was the real Navy).
We head off into the Games during which the aforementioned aliens do arrive. They drop an energy dome around Hawaii and a big chunk of ocean, careful to keep the Admiral and anyone else of noteworthy rank out of the scene. And then start blasting the crap out of the ships with bizarre bombs that look like the plastic pieces from the board game (they have to do something connected to the game). Not only does Stone sink like a rock (ending Alexander's suffering but not ours), the Captain and whatever rank is next in line on Alex's ship are both killed leaving him in charge. After a lot of shooting and explosions and such eventually we discover that the same Japanese officer is still alive and has a nifty idea for tracking the alien bombers. So of course Alex steps aside to let him work his magic. And we get our second game connection with the idea being to use the read outs from a conveniently placed grid of Tsunami alarms to see where the aliens are going. Basically a lot of F3, G5 and so on.
Back on the island we hang with pretty girl Sam who is also a physical therapist working with wounded soldiers. Including a guy who is so "I can't fight anymore so that makes me a nothing" that it's a cliche. So is her tough love approach to forcing him to take a hike with her. Which puts them in place to figure out that the aliens are going to use the big satellite to call home for more alien invaders to join them. Sammy girl gets this message to her boy toy. After his own ship is ripped to shreds, Alex goes back to Hawaii and with the help of a group of retirees steals a decommissioned battleship and takes off to screw with the aliens call home in what is the only actually good part of the film. Unfortunately it was followed with more totally inane dialogue which brought back the bad taste that was almost gone from the first dose.
This is a movie I wouldn't recommend you go see for anything. No amount of money or fan love is worth it, If you are a fan of Taylor Kitsch go rent Friday Night Lights. Heck even Wolverine is a better choice. If you are an Alexander girl, go overdose on True Blood.